To Russia, With Love

Posted on May 4, 2014 in Antique | Comments Off on To Russia, With Love

This week I started to notice a trend happening with Chris on Cars, where every new user lives in Russia. Once I started checking, I realized that more than half of my readers were from Russia. So, I assume that makes me a celebrity there. I am probably as loved as Paul McCartney, or Vladimir Putin, and certainly better looking than either without my shirt on.

I have always wanted to travel to Russia, but never got the chance. The closest I came was when I visited Sitka, Alaska, which was once owned by Russia. Of course, I do live in the same state as many of the Russian spy’s we just caught, but I am not sure if that counts. Now, it seems I have to visit, or risk disappointing the millions of fans I have gained. I am sure they are all planning some huge parade in Red Square for me (they love their parades) and I would not want to let them down. So, all I need is for someone to send me the travel plans, since I am sure the Russian government will foot the bill for such a glorious event. Even better would be an invitation from Top Gear Russia, some sort of a write in campaign can be created, like the one that got Betty White on Saturday Night Live. Let’s get to work, people of Russia…I want to come for a visit.

I should also do some promotion for the site in Russia, but so far, I can’t find any donkey’s that know how to parasail. Maybe I should advertise in Pravda, or maybe I’ll just wait and send some messages back with the next set of Russian spies. Since I am going to visit the country, I have been doing some research and have come up with a few questions.

This truck is driving without one of it’s wheels

What the hell is up with Russian drivers? Seriously, I took a look at some of the videos on You Tube, and it seems that they have no idea how to drive. Check out this video, and tell me that they understand what traffic lights are all about.

What is up with the roads there? I understand what it’s like to be in a fiscal crisis, and our roads here are pretty bad, but some of the pictures in Russia are unbelievable. They have potholes the size of supermarkets, and some area’s look like Stalingrad after the war (too soon?). Really people, you have to have something to drive on, and there’s no use in building your own Lamborghini out of wood if it is going to fall apart as soon as you drive it.

What are you doing to your cars? I love Russian cars, and one of my favorite blogs is oldrussiancars.com, but I think some of you have lost your minds. I know that new money is rolling in, and everyone is buying Bentleys and Rolls Royce’s, but some of you are getting crazy. First, you started building your own supercars out of spare wood, and then moved to airbrushing the exterior. Airbrushing is something we used to do to vans in the 1970’s. It is ugly, and a little creepy.

Next, someone decided that airbrushing the car was so last year, and moved onto just painting the rims. Why would anyone take a perfectly good car, and then paint the rims in different colors. You are ruining the entire look of the car, and it makes you look crazy.

Now the trend is getting even weirder, and cars are being customized to look like dragons, and strange animals. Get a grip, people. This is not the way to treat a perfectly good automobile. I know that we here in the good old USA aren’t ones to talk. We have blinged out rides, murdered Bentleys, and created a whole generation of low-riders. However, we left the phase where the entire outside of the car had to be plastered in Louis Vuitton emblems a long time ago. Leave your cars alone.

Russia has actually made some really nice cars, in spite of the reputation for making a ton of very bad cars. Recently, they just came out with another supercar that will compete with the likes of Noble, and Gumpert.

In fact, the Gaz Volga 21 Coupe shown here had a V12 engine, and some great bodywork. It’s one of the coolest Russian cars I’ve ever seen.

Another is this Moskvich 408 Tourist (1964) convertible, with it’s clean 1960’s lines and finned tail. Of course, it was decided that this car would be too luxurious for the Soviet proletariat, so it never made it to production.

While we are at it, take a look at some common taxis from Moscow. They are using Maybach’s and Porsche’s as taxis. That alone is worth the trip.

Next is a new Moscow police vehicle, which looks like some combination of a Hummer, and the Transformers. It’s Huge!

Finally, what is it with hot Russian chicks and junk cars? The internet is full of them, not that I am complaining.

There’s junk in her trunk

One last thing, I spent some time watching an un-translated version of Russian Top Gear, and I have to say that I liked it. Of course, I have no idea what was being said, and I would appreciate someone telling me if they liked the Mazda Miata they tested (I have one).